No Packet Required: 10 Ways to Impress Your Friends by Faking a Secret Italian Family Recipe.

We are talking about what to eat, where to go, and who to know in Johannesburg and all around. For the past few weeks, I’ve been sharing my favourite cuisines, but there’s one that has always proved elusive: Italian cuisine.

My personal experience is that it’s predominantly pasta, and honestly, boarding school killed pasta for me. I’ve never been able to cook the stuff—you follow the 10-minute instructions, and half an hour later, you’re still waiting for it to cook. The single exception, the dish I do make quite well, is lasagne. And that, my friends, is because it’s baked in the oven.

I simply can’t tolerate the sloppy home executives—male or female, kitchen cook, or even some chefs—who take the instant shortcut. Buying white sauce in a packet is truly disgusting. It takes two minutes to make your own béchamel sauce fresh! Why buy instant tomato sauce and just assemble everything? Part of the joy of cooking, especially a dish like lasagne, is making everything yourself, from scratch, from fresh.

Since I am far more Mamma Mia than Michelin star, here are ten simple ways you can fake authentic Italian cuisine.

Key Takeaway for the #DineJoziStyle Club

The secret to faking authentic Italian cuisine lies in theatrical flair, not necessarily technique. Drenching everything in quality olive oil and aggressively using fresh garlic covers a multitude of culinary sins. Crucially, master the vocabulary (pomodoro, parmigiano), adopt the “al dente” excuse for undercooked pasta, and always, always, pretend every dish is a “secret family recipe” to project the necessary authority and trustworthiness.

The Business of Authentico Flavour

If you want your dish to seem authentico, you need to master the props and the presentation.

Olive Oil and Garlic Health Benefits

The first rule is effortless: Drizzle or drench everything in olive oil. Bonus points if it’s extra virgin olive oil. It doesn’t matter if it’s breakfast, a salad, or a failed attempt at pasta; olive oil instantly adds flair and makes everything seem more authentic. Beyond the flavour, olive oil is so good for your hair, skin, and digestion—it’s an instant health makeover.

I also find: throw garlic in like you mean it. Crush it, slice it, saute it, just don’t be shy. Garlic will cover a multitude of culinary sins if you don’t know what you’re doing. I simply can’t cook without it.

This discerning approach to fats extends beyond the cooking stage. It is absolutely vital that when serving bread, you never, ever offer butter or margarine. It must be olive oil and balsamic vinegar for dipping. I am very pedantic about the fat in my diet; for me, it’s butter or nothing—or high-quality olive oil. There are so many complex varieties that it would be quite interesting to go to an olive oil tasting, almost like a wine pairing, to find different grades for cooking and for finishing.

Speak Like An Italian

If you want to command the kitchen, you must use the Italian names. Instead of saying tomato, you say pomodoro. Instead of cheese, you say parmigiano reggiano. Throw in as many vowels and consonants as if you just don’t care. Bread is always pane, and water is acqua frizzante, my friend. Yes, you must add “my friend” to everything; it seems everybody is your friend in an Italian restaurant.

And of course, everything is al dente. This, in my opinion, is simply an excuse the Italians invented because they couldn’t cook their pasta either. Now, whenever I cook pasta for my husband, I simply declare: “It’s not undercooked, JoziStylers, it’s al dente.”

The Supremacy of Parmesan

You can never go wrong with Parmigiano Reggiano. Everything from breakfast to supper can be topped with it. I love that funky, nutty, cheesy aroma and flavour profile.

The quickest tip I can give you is never buy the ready-grated, instant sprinkly parmesan. You buy yourself your own special block and grate it fresh to your heart’s content. The great thing about parmesan is it’s a low pantry staple; even if you have nothing but a block of parmesan, you can literally prepare a feast fit for a king. And you may quote me on that.

Exposing the “Secret Family Recipe” Fraud

The ultimate anchor of authority is the family secret. I find it strange that so many people pretend their recipe is a cherished, traditional, old family recipe when they are clearly talking absolute nonsense.

A Farm Stall Detour

I fell for this trick recently. A lady was serving absolutely delicious rusks—a crunchy yet soft-textured rusk made with chocolate chips. She was telling us how she made them herself. Now, my grandparents had a bakery, so I do know a thing or two when it comes to baking. When I asked her for the basic breakdown, she simply couldn’t give it.

A rusk is essentially a sweetened bread that you dehydrate in the oven to preserve it—a technique learned by the Voortrekkers for survival. Eventually, she admitted, she’d bought them from a little farm stall and noticed they had a different flavour and texture, but she’d been telling everyone she’d been making them herself. It’s a ridiculous story, but people love to pretend.

The Nando’s Lemon Sauce Confession

This dedication to faking family tradition reminds me of a weekend away with friends. Everybody had to cook supper, and one friend made the most divine chicken livers. They were hard-seared, almost like steak, and served with a delicious sauce. The hostess was lapping up the adoration and praise with all the humility she could muster.

Then I mentioned, casually, “I think the lemon was a very clever touch.” Suddenly, panic struck. She insisted there was no lemon. She gave us a plausible list of ingredients that sounded like absolute nonsense. When she left the room, I did a terrible thing: I ran into the kitchen and searched. In the bin, there was a bottle of Nando’s lemon and herb sauce. We cleaned the bottle (presentation is everything) and put it on the table like a centrepiece. We have never let her live it down. Whenever we talk about going away, we insist she makes her delicious Nando’s chicken liver.

The Final Flourishes of Italian Hospitality

If you are cooking Italian cuisine, you must fake a secret family recipe. Doesn’t matter if it’s Bolognese, lasagne, or a pomodoro sauce, it is always a family secret. Picture it: Sicily, 1942, the war is over, and your mother swore the secret must never leave your lips. Otherwise, it is not an authentic Italian recipe. This is the Originality Anchor you need.

And finally, you couldn’t possibly fool people into believing your dish is authentic without wine.

The Wine as Prop and Ingredient

When you use wine in Italian cooking, it has to be both an ingredient and a prop. You pull out a good bottle of wine, pour a splash or two in the pot, and you sip the rest. Bonus points if you can gesture wildly while telling somebody a story, tanked up on a good bottle of red. I think I would get that part right.

And always remember to say “Buon appetito” before every meal. Because the true secret to Italian cooking, in my humble opinion, has always been hospitality. You want generous portions, generous flavours, and you want to share.

Do you have a cherished “family recipe” that you suspect might have originated from a packet or a famous South African sauce bottle?

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