Fashionably Late to Fully Present: JoziStyle’s Five Rules for Respectful Dating.
I’ve blogged everything about this on JoziStyle, but I cannot stress this enough: manners make the magic happen.
It’s not about being affectatious or clever; it’s about mutual respect. And frankly, I find a lack of good etiquette to be a massive red flag. Scary people are out there, and you don’t always know who you’re talking to, so let’s establish some ground rules for keeping things civilised, regardless of the outcome.
The world has changed. The old rules—if he can’t pay for my meal, he can’t provide—are antiques. However, the basic requirements for human decency have not.
Key Takeaway for Sophisticated Dating
Successful modern dating hinges on mutual respect demonstrated through basic manners, punctuality, and appropriate attire that shows effort, not desperation. The financial equation must be handled with maturity: always be prepared to pay your share to avoid the ‘gold digger’ label. Crucially, the biggest red flags today involve poor technology etiquette (the constant phone check) and failing to communicate clearly, particularly when disinterested in a second meeting.
The Non-Negotiables of First Impressions
A date is, fundamentally, a performance. You owe the other person a modicum of effort.
Punctuality and Presentation
Punctuality demonstrates respect for the other person’s time and sets a positive note. Arriving on time might include arriving fashionably late, but that never, ever means arriving 10 minutes to half an hour to an hour late. That’s just rude.
Then there is the issue of dressing appropriately. You want to look neat and put together, not readily available. It constantly amazes me that a woman will get dressed up—hair, makeup, perfume—and then Slapgat Jan rocks up with his shirt hanging out of his jeans and who-knows-what he calls shoes nowadays. My own observation has consistently shown that a man needs to put in just as much effort. You can be casual, you can wear jeans, but for goodness sake, tuck your shirt, wear a collar, and wear shoes that look like they’ve seen a polishing cloth. Unless, of course, you’re only looking for quick and easy, in which case, by all means, dress quick and easy.
The Cardinal Sin of the Smartphone
I cannot handle it when I am having dinner or lunch with anyone, and they pull out their phone. I always think: put away the phone. The only acceptable exception is if it is a media event where you are expected to photograph a restaurant launch.
I’ve never once heard of a call so urgent that it had to be taken at the table or during a date. It’s not only disrespectful to the person sitting opposite you, but it suggests they are simply not interesting enough to warrant your undivided attention. Polite and courteous manners, simple things like saying please and thank you, go a long way in making a good impression. Trust me, politeness is never boring, certainly not with good quality people.
The Financial Equation and The Feminist Pitfall
Regardless of your perception of modern dating, there is a right way to handle the bill, and the wrong way screams gold digger.
Always Be Prepared to Pay Your Share
Be open-minded about paying the bill, but it is absolutely essential that you have enough money to pay for your own meal. Nothing says gold digger louder than someone who can’t cover their own plate because they thought the other person was paying. This notion that “if he can’t pay for my meal, he can’t provide for children” is prehistoric and deeply cynical. There is more to dating than a free meal ticket.
If your date says, “Let’s split the bill,” you pull out your credit card and you pay for what you had.
The same is true for a gentleman. If the lady insists on paying her share, don’t put up a macho fight. Don’t play the “I’m the man, I’ll pay” card. If she insists on paying her half of the bill, it is often a sign that she doesn’t want to see you again and doesn’t want to feel she owes you any explanation or favour. Respect the boundary.
Asserting Dominance vs. Attracting Affection
Nowadays, women are earning their own salaries, they have their own homes, cars, and careers; they don’t need a man to pick up the bill. However, ladies, a man doesn’t want to hear your feminist theories and how you want to assert dominance. Men assert dominance with each other. He doesn’t want to date another man, unless he’s gay.
My observation is simple: you don’t want to arrive on a date like a pit bull with a bad attitude. If you want to meet interesting people, you’re going to have to change your outlook. The world has moved on since the days of the Rinderpest when a great bust line and nice teeth were the only prerequisites.
Boundaries and The Boomer Conundrum
The end of the date is just as critical as the beginning. A lack of maturity here can undo all your efforts.
The Gentle Art of Rejection
Respect personal space and boundaries. Just because you’re on a date doesn’t mean you can hold hands, hug, or even do that kiss-kiss greeting. Maintain a respectful distance unless otherwise invited.
If you are not interested in a second date, you must communicate it gently and respectfully. You don’t have to pretend you want to see them again, then suddenly be “always busy,” or worse, ghost them. You might bump into them again in Johannesburg! When you are safely away, let them know, “I had a great time, but I think I’m interested in other people.” If they’re truly thick enough not to get the hint, at least they don’t know where you live or work.
If you did have a good time, don’t play hard to get. The old school thought that you have to wait three or five days is utter nonsense. Three days might make you look desperate; five days makes you look like you don’t care. Tell them straight away on the evening or the next day: “I had a great time, I would love to see you again.” It’s non-committal, yet polite.
Why Single People Sulk on a Dirty Couch
I constantly talk about dating because it amazes me how many single and lonely people, especially those over 40 and 50, just sit at home and sulk on a dirty, smelly couch, drinking box wine with their dog, proclaiming, “Nobody will ever love me.” I think, well, you’re quite right!
Put yourself out there. You are never going to meet somebody interesting being miserable and alone. Put on your lipstick, comb your hair, do whatever you need to do, but realise the world has changed.
I realise my own difficulties when it comes to the younger generation. We recently got a new dishwasher, and I had to open the instruction manual to figure out how to turn it on—it required tapping and holding the button for three seconds. I’m Generation X, but I can’t even turn on a modern dishwasher to save my life. This is why people call us Boomers. The rules of engagement, technology, and life itself have shifted dramatically, and if you want to find new ways of meeting people, you have to shift your outlook, too.
Comment: What are your experiences of modern-day dating?
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